Letters from the Heart
by ss-sunset
Summary: A series of letters between Castle and Beckett in hopes of finding common ground.
1. Castle's letter

Letter from the Heart

Kate had just gotten home from a long day working on a case and a date with Detective Demming to find an envelope with the writing "To the Extraordinary KB" typed on the outside in her mail. She feels her heart start to race just a little but pushes the feeling into the back of her mind. She must be tired and in bad need of some wine and relaxing bath before bed. Curiosity gets the better of Kate though so she opens the envelope and finds this letter inside. Taking it out carefully, she starts to read.

To the Extraordinary KB.

They say that sometimes things are better left unsaid or not said all when it comes to matters of the heart. I say better now or miss my chance. I can just picture your brow being all scrunched in thought and probably thinking "What the hell Castle are you doing?". I am a writer and writing is what I do best or at least what I thought I did best until I met you.

Towards the end of my Derrick Storm series, I was getting bored and wanting something exciting. Not the same predictable life with the parties, the fake friends, the fake smiles and the pressure to put on the image of "Rick Castle". Like you KB, there are many layers to the Castle onion. There is more to me that what I show the "public" or let the "public" believe. From the first time I met you and you pushed me away in the interrogation room on the Flower for your grave case, you had me intrigued. I'd like to think I intrigued you at least a little bit. I wanted to know more about you so I came up w/ Nikki Heat so I could shadow you in the name of "research". While it was research in a way, it was also a way to get to know you, to see how tick and how to make you smile. You pushed away all my attempts at being charming and forced me to look at what is "real". As odd as it sounds, you turned my world upside down and for that I will for forever grateful.

As we started working together, it became my goal to make you laugh. You needed more "fun" in your life and while I know I could be an annoying man-child at times, I tried to give that to you. When we went undercover for the 1st time, I found out how truly beautiful you are, inside and out. You took my breath away on that case. Things were going well until I pushed too hard and looked into your mom's case without your permission. I should have been honored enough that you would share that part of your life with me. You need to know that the last thing I want to do in life is hurt you KB then and now.

I was lulled into a fake sense of security after I came back to shadow you and we just started to click on a deeper level. The light hearted banter between us excited me and the subtle flirting or not so subtle teasing seemed like a way to test the waters without getting hurt. You could match me tit for tat like no other person, could or was willing to yet you did. I took that for granted, I see that now. When the Dick Coonan case came into our lives, it ramped up the intensity between us. I am glad that you came to me after you met with your dad and leaned on me for strength. The thought has come to mind since then of "why me? Why not lean on Lanie?" but in the end I am glad you did. It gave me the chance to show you I can be "real" I could be your rock and yet still make you smile in tough times. I was trying to show you another layer of my onion Kate. The aftermath of that case furthered our burgeoning relationship. You laughing with me and sharing all that ridiculous food I brought for you will forever be a place in my heart. The flirtatious banter between us seemed to increase after that case. Even after we went on our respective dates, my mind was never far from you. I'll admit that I went on that date with bachelorette #3 just to try to make myself believe I didn't feel something stronger for you then friendship. Something changed on that date for me though. It was like I could not get you off my mind and it drove me crazy. The way you looked in your dress didn't help I'm sure. We went to Remy's after the case for burgers and shakes was the best way I could have thought to end the day. I was surprised you took my arm and was twirling your hair on the way to the elevator. It was like we were more than friends but were not willing to admit it to ourselves. I am willing to step up now though KB and admit those feelings are strong and so very there when I think about you.

Things always seem to go unspoken between us. The looks, the banter, invading each other's space all point to us getting together eventually. Then I had to go screw up the fragile trust we started building and sleep with Elle. I won't lie and insult you by saying I didn't find her attractive but in the end she wasn't "you". She wasn't genuine and didn't have your heart and she didn't have my heart either. I am afraid because of this situation I gave you the push you needed to go move towards Demming. If I am honest with you and myself, I don't blame you for wanting him. He is attractive and understands your world as a Detective. He is also a "safe" and would provide you happiness. Does he make you feel alive though? Does he make you laugh in the face of some gruesome murder or make you smile before you go into a rough interrogation? Does he notice that you bite your lower lip when you are trying to hold it together? Does he really understand why you wear your mother's ring or make the time to find out? If he does all those things and more, I will back off. I only want you to be happy. But please understand that I can be all these things for you and have been for you for a long time. Longer then either of us will probably admit. You are my one of my closest, if not the closest, friend I have right now. Our friendship has to account for something.

Lets be real with each other for once and drop all pretenses. I am scared of what I could be losing. I am scared of how deeply I care for you. I'm scared of how alive you make me feel. I am scared that you might feel these things too but are afraid to be hurt. I don't blame you for not wanting to take that risk but if anyone could make it work, we could. We make a good team Kate.

You have seen the side of me that acts like a 12 year old on a sugar rush, you have seen the side of me that will do anything for a friend. Let me show you the side of me that would give you the world. I meant what I said in my book dedication. You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met. The ball is in your court.

Rick 


	2. Kate's letter

Response from Letter from the Heart

It had been a few days since Kate and read the letter from Castle and could not stop thinking damn him for being so sweet and open when he could be so infuriating at times. Tonight was no exception to Castle being Castle. The only problem was Kate knew she couldn't let things go. This case wasn't closed and she wasn't willing to give up without presenting her side of things so she got out a piece of paper and started writing. 

To Castle - aka 12 year old on a sugar rush, loving father who loves to pull my pigtails:

Your letter said "better now or miss my chance" but I missed my chance so I am going to say better late then never. I found myself thinking back to how this all started. A death, almost losing myself and then a book by Richard Castle. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life until now.

Funny how life takes us in directions we never thought possible. Barging into your book launch party gave me a rush. I could not believe I was going to meet my favorite author again but more then that he was a suspect in an ongoing case I had a job to do. I remember you trying to use all that "Castle" charm I had read about but I wasn't impressed. I lived my life based on what is "real" in order to survive and not just mere fantasy. You weren't real to me then like you are now.

When the Captain told me that you were going to shadow me for "research" I was livid but at the same time somewhat flattered. I mean, why me, a hard nosed Detective who doesn't take crap from anyone. I pushed away all your attempts at being charming because I knew your reputation and did not want to be a notch on your bedpost. Then while working the case of the dead Nanny, you showed me a softer side, if only for a few moments, by telling me about Alexis. I could see the love in your eyes that you had and still have for her and it surprised me. Maybe there was more to "Rick Castle" then you were letting everyone see. I should have known then I was going to be in for one hell of a ride. You turned my world upside down and challenged me in ways no one has dared before. You had my attention.

When you talked me into going undercover at that charity benefit, I resisted but gave in because it was a good idea. It drove me crazy at how good you were at examining the situation and coming up with plausible answers. You swept me off my feet that night in more ways than one. In the back of my mind and somewhere deep in my heart, I had to admit that maybe, just maybe, I had met my match, I had met a competent partner. It scared me to the core so I pushed it out of my head and continued to work. It is what I do best after all but you were making it more fun. Then you had to go digging into my mother's murder and stop me in my tracks.

You hurt me because you deliberately did something I told you not to do. I lashed out and told you not to come back, we were over, but were we really? In my heart I knew we weren't. You didn't have to tell me what you found knowing what would happen but you did anyway. That takes guts and I respect that more then you will ever realize. You may be a man-child who annoys me but I knew you would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally. You looked into my mother's case because you cared. It touched me that you came back to me, despite my harshness that would scare anyone away, and gave me a heartfelt apology. You showed me a soft side of Rick Castle that I got the feeling not too many people get to see.

When you came back, we fell into a easy rhythm and I started to take comfort in it. When the Dick Coonan case dropped into our lives, it shook me to the core. I remember telling my dad that what I found out scared me and him telling me that my mom always said we were never given more then we could handle. Could I really handle this? You asked me why I didn't go to Lanie for support and looking at it from your side of things, it would have made sense. Lanie didn't help me get through after my mother's murder though, your words in your books did. I showed up at your apartment that night knowing you would be there for me and we got through the case together. You showed me that you could be supportive and somehow knew what I needed when I needed it. I took that for granted and dismissed how much it really meant. Killing Dick Coonan wasn't your fault you know. I need you to really understand that I made the choice to fire. I made the choice to save a possible future rather then live in the past. My mom's words of always having truth on my side and knowing that you would be there every step of the way made the decision easier. The hand that you put on my shoulder when I broke down for that brief moment said more then any words could. You need to know this and you need to know that actions meant a lot to me. When you came back with all the food and told me you were done, I wasn't done. I wasn't ready to let you go and I'm not sure I ever really will be ready to let you go.

I opened up to you more after that case. I was more willing to flirt and try and get you to react. It became a game with us. When we went on our dates, it was more then a game though. I needed to get you off my mind and see if I could connect with another guy the same way we did. After all, we were just friends and that is all I wanted us to be or so I thought. Yet here I was with a good looking firefighter, at a nice restaurant, talking about you and the case. It just didn't fit but when we started talking about burgers and shakes, it started to come together some. I found myself giving into my heart a little that night. I twirled my hair absently and leaned into you a little closer. So many things were implied or left unsaid that night. The feelings I felt were real though and so very strong. I just wasn't ready to admit it out loud yet even though I admitted it to myself many times. I am ready now.

The night you went on Late Night to promote your book, I was watching at the precinct with Ryan. I couldn't help but feel something when I saw you get closer with Elle. During that case I let my mind wonder if I truly didn't feel anything for you, why did I tell you that Elle was using you? Why did we argue about myself not being able to find you attractive enough to date? We both ended that argument of sorts flustered with a realization in our eyes of the true meaning. We fell back into safety of shadows of our feeling as though we were both guarding our hearts. You frustrated me on that case with your willingness to jump in to bed with anyone and I questioned whether you could do a serious relationship. This is what probably drove me right into Demming's arms. He was the safe choice, the one who was had the charming smile and the good body. It wasn't enough though you see. He didn't make me feel alive and never really made me laugh the way you do. I found myself holding back some and not showing every part of me. He wasn't my ying to my yang. I need that balance in my life that you provide. 

You asked to drop all pretenses and be real. I am scared of losing you and being too late opening up to you. I'm scared that if we did make a go at this relationship that it wouldn't last. I am a one and done kind of girl and it scares me that you may be that one. I'm scared of taking risks. I don't like to take risks with my heart and yet I already have taken that risk. I have given you my heart without even realizing it till now. You have my heart. Every part of me wants to run but I can't deny that the "heart wants what the heart wants." Can you?

You are the most annoying, frustrating, challenging, childish man. You are also the sweetest, most loving and caring individual I have ever met. You excite me and make me feel alive. You make me want to live life and laugh, even if it is at myself. There is more peeling to be done of the Beckett onion. Let me show you the way to my heart. I once told you that we make a good team. The question on the table now is do you still believe we do?

Kate 


	3. Castle's Response

Disclaimer: I do not own anything with the Castle TV show. This is only done for fun.

After reading Kate's letter, Castle started to write again. In addition to some of his new novel, he knew his story with Kate was not done yet so he thought he would add a new chapter. This is what he wrote.

To the Extraordinary KB:

They say timing is everything in matters of the heart. My gut response is to say that our timing would be considered an epic fail. Then I find myself thinking is it really a fail or some much needed time away to regroup and refocus. These past several weeks have definitely given me nothing but time to think and to write. Some of my writing has been on my book but some has been this letter to you. The written word can be a powerful thing after all. 

I was thinking about the end of our last case together as we were starting to put the puzzle pieces together. You made a comment about getting so caught up in the game that we stopped looking at what really mattered. You meant more then the case at that point didn't you? Yet I missed it completely. I should have realized you wanted me when you sounded breathless and had a catch in your voice that wasn't normally there when we talked on other cases. You started to lean and I started to lean in to where we were mere inches apart from each other. I can just see that cute smirk on your face now. To an outsider it would have seemed like we were getting ready to kiss but for us it was just the way we communicated with each other. It was just another facet of our "complicated" relationship with each other.

Our complications did not start just with this last case though or even when Demming came around. No I think it started after our nondate at Remy's. We connected on a different level that night but we were both too stubborn to admit it. When Dunn came roaring into our lives, things only got more murky. At that point I knew I cared about you deeply and wanted to protect you but also knew you could take care of yourself. Showing up to your place w/ a bottle of wine the night that Jordan sent you home to destress was more for my benefit then yours. I needed to reassure myself that you were going to be ok more then "protecting" you with my rapier wit as you liked to put it. Waking up the next morning and making you breakfast felt more comfortable then I thought it would. We seemed to fall into sync with each other until I got the paper and the body fell on the floor. The body definitely made things more complicated and was horribly bad timing. I can only guess how good things would have gone if we would have been able to continue with our breakfast uninterrupted. The complications only grew when you dove into your bathtub mere seconds before your apartment blew up. I watched in horror from just outside and the only thought I had was that I had to get to you. You had to be ok because I could not lose you. I cared too much, too deeply and wasn't going to let you go. Insisting that you stay at my place for the remainder of the case was my way of telling you to trust me. Let me show you that I can be a friend and open my home up to you. We seemed at ease with each other there away from prying eyes and the stress of work. Yet another complication in what was an already complicated relationship.

Albert Einstein once said that "In the Middle of Difficulty, Lies Opportunity". This should have been our mantra. Our rally cry if you will because little did we know things would only get tougher. Demming entering the picture and my writers block only added to the mounting stress we both carried. Sure on the outside I was the happy go lucky guy who made cracks about everything and everyone but inside my heart was breaking. You see, it is not that Demming was such a bad guy, but that he was a great guy and made you happy. I didn't know how to handle this new emotion and felt myself being backed into a corner. My writing suffered for it but I am not blaming you in any way. In fact I should thank you as you brought out what was "real" in my life and made me face what was important in my life. I am the writer yet you were inadvertently writing the story of my life for me. How could I have been so blind? I had the ending that every story teller wants yet I started to throw it away due to my own pride and selfish self protection.

There is a saying that in order to move towards a future, we must first understand our past mistakes. Our past, however short, impacts every decision we make in the future and everything we feel in the present. I have made a lot of them but nothing more then that last day at the precinct before leaving. I distinctly remember you making a flirty comment and asking to speak to me in private. The emotions that ran through me at that moment of time were almost too much for me to process. Could there be some hope that you care about me as well or were you going to let me down easy in private and save me the embarrassment? These were just a few of the thoughts running through my head that you need to know. Some day I hope to be able to share more with you. See you are not the only one who has walls and mine were going up fast in order to prepare me for I thought was to come. I could not handle walking away from you on my own so I did what I do best and made a huge mistake in the process. My publisher, I can't even bring myself to say her name, really was there to stay on top of me to write, and only write. Yet I played it up to make myself feel better about leaving. I have too much respect for you to say anything else except I am truly sorry for how I hurt you that day. No excuses for my childish behavior, you are too special and deserve so much more. I just hope you can forgive me for the heartache I caused.

At the end of your letter to me you asked if I still think we make a good team. My answer is you bet we make a good team. We may be having some rough innings but I believe we can get through this together. We have gotten through tighter spots in the past so with a lot of patience, attention to the little details, and maybe a little luck, we can make our present look a little brighter. 

These letters are helping to bring things back into focus and get back to what we know best, each other. I cherish them deeply and hope they continue for as long as needed to heal for both of us. I am not going anywhere Kate. The question is are you? 

Rick 

Rick Castle then carefully sealed the letter in the envelope and sent it on its merry way. He could only hope that these letters were making a difference. 


	4. Kate's Response

**I own nothing with Castle or it's tv show. This is only done for fun. **

**Special thanks to castlegirl, AKT, castle_lover45 and all my friends at Castletv chat! Hope you enjoy the latest chapter.**

Beckett's case load happened to be light, paperwork was caught up and the precinct was empty. Staring at the empty chair beside her desk that no one dared move, she started writing another letter. These letters were getting to be a routine between them and something that she looked forward to reading and writing. This is what she wrote. 

To Castle - aka 12 year old on a sugar rush, loving father who loves to pull my pigtails:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." - Gloria Naylor I ran across this in a book I picked up recently and it got me thinking about your latest letter. Contrary to what you are probably thinking, I do read more than Richard Castle books. Funny how such a random thing as picking up a book can lead one down to thinking about your life and it's path. As much as time away has hurt, it has also been good for me to gain a new perspective. 

The last case we worked together was more then just a normal case for either of us I suspect. The case had so many points where things were said one way but implied or thought of in a totally different way. It was easy to get caught up in our flirtatious banter rather than take anything seriously. I can't help but think now that the comments you were making were very serious weren't they? Towards the end of the case when you came up to me with a new theory, I didn't wake up that morning thinking about the case. Far from it really as my mind was also starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together about you and I. Just seeing you caught me off guard with my thoughts and the fact that I let those emotions start to get the better of me at work showed up in my voice. My heart took over some at that point and I remember leaning towards you almost to see if you would as well. You did not disappoint. You never did seem to disappoint me or at least I didn't think you did. I am not so confident of that now.

Confidence and opening ones own heart seem to be infinitely tied together, especially when it comes to both our hearts. We both wanted to tear down the walls but only when we thought the timing was right and not when the timing really was ripe. Thinking back, we had so many people trying to nudge us to open our eyes. Why didn't we listen to them and save ourselves all this heartache and confusion? It is not like I was not told on multiple occasions that you cared. I didn't want to believe it though until Kyra.

I had no confidence that you could do anything serious with women based on what I observed and the stories told at the precinct. When Kyra came along I discovered you could do "real". I saw how you looked at her with such deep emotion that it took me back a bit. The way you met her at your "special" rooftop and what you told her before you kissed, started to change the way I looked at you. Kyra told me when riding the elevator together that you only dedicate your books to the people you really care about. She seemed to sense something between us that neither of us were ready to admit yet. What really happened between you and her? Why was she the one you let get away and why didn't you follow her? She seemed to be a very important part of your past and seemed to have help shape the "Richard Castle" I see now. She added one more facet to what was fast becoming a very complicated relationship.

Kyra may have been the first person to verbally tell me that you cared but she definitely was not the last person. Jordan Shaw told me at the end of the Dunn case "He cares about you Kate. You may not see it, you may not be ready too but he cares.". I remember telling her "Well the situation with Castle is complicated." Complicated or not the fact is that I did see it. I saw it in your eyes when you shared that Heat Wave was being made into a movie. When you stood close to me and help me steady myself when the cavalry arrived and when you showed up to my place to help me decompress and protect me of sorts. We both knew I didn't need protecting in the physical sense. I see now that you were on my doorstep making sure my heart stayed steady and strong. You somehow knocked down some walls I had put up and it gave me mixed emotions. I wasn't ready to admit that I was jealous but admitted to myself that I felt something more then friendship towards you. Maybe that is why I let you stay and maybe that is why you were there making breakfast the next morning. I don't know really but I do know you cared. I saw that you cared by the way you handled yourself when being questioned by Ryan and Esposito. You could have made light of our night together but you respected me enough to keep whatever was said and unsaid that night between us. You cared enough to warn me that the case wasn't over and ran into a burning building to save me. You gave me a place to stay and put me at ease when I was at my max emotionally. You knew how to make me smile and I found myself at ease w/ you and your family. You made it easy for me to think and share about my own family. Something I don't do lightly and something I am sure you picked up on considering the smile you had on your face despite the circumstances. You even cared enough to find my father's watch and have it fixed for me. You upped the ante with that case, pushed things a little farther yet making sure you did not scare me off. All of this added to the complexity of our relationship but also added to the comfort of our deepening friendship.

My mom always said "the truth is your weapon to wield" The way you use that weapon though can determine the path you take in life. Unfortunately I used fear, instead of truth, as my weapon and hurt myself,Demming and most importantly you in the process. I was able to convince myself up until the last case that I was with Demming for the right reasons and that you and I were just good friends. Who was I kidding though when everyone else who mattered knew the truth. They could see the way I would lean in to you when building theory or when we would finish each other's sentences. If you were nothing more than a friend to me, I would have never let myself smile at your crack of skinning dipping in the Hamptons nor would I let my heart say yes before my brain kicked in and said no. Espositio could see the hurt on my face when you told me this was your last case and felt strongly enough in the "truth" to confront me about you after you left for your poker game. I felt the "truth" smack me in the face when sitting at my desk and staring at your chair empty, knowing that you may not be back. It was the "truth" that led me into breaking things off with Demming and what led me to ask to speak with you alone before you left so I could finally let the truth be told. On your last evening at the precinct Truth did not win with my heart though, fear ultimately won the battle inside.

Instead of letting "truth be my weapon to wield" when your publisher interrupted us, I let fear and insecurities rule my actions. Fear stopped me from asking her to give us a minute of privacy so I could finish what I started. Fear stopped me from telling you that I ended things with Demming and letting you make your own choice. I did not fight for the truth that day and that was a mistake that is all on me. Be sure I am not letting you off the hook with the way you left but it was not totally your fault either. I guess what I am saying here is that I can forgive you for your mistake but only if you forgive me for mine. If we can forgive each other, maybe then we can start to move past it and start to get over the hurt we both caused each other. Maybe then we can start to use the real "truth" as a cornerstone for a new relationship that is built on truth, confidence and trust in each other.

I am reminded of the saying "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." Maybe this is why these letters mean so much. We had to let each other go in order to heal past hurts in hopes of coming back to make new memories.

We have a long ways to go and lots more questions that need to be answered but I am not going anywhere. We need to continue to seek the truth within ourselves and with each other for however long it takes. You have to know by now that I usually get what I want and am not afraid to put the time and work in to get it. What's it be Castle? What "truths" are you not telling me? 

Kate

Kate carefully sealed the letter in the envelope and dropped off on the way to the precinct. Things were starting to look up and it showed ever so slightly with the way she walked to desk to begin her shift. No one dared ask why. 


	5. Castle's Explanation

To My Extraordinary KB

I read your last letter and it got me thinking about something my mom would call a "Marthaism". She once made the comment that mistakes are the building blocks of wisdom. If this is truly the case, I should be a genius by now. I find myself pondering how I can learn from these mistakes instead of reliving them day in and day out. For if we never learn from our mistakes, how will we ever move on to a better future. The kind of future that includes you and me, and maybe you in a bikini at some point. I couldn't resist making you smile. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the case with Kyra Blaine. I remember walking into that hotel room and thinking it would be another case of murder. What a shock we all received when I saw her and said her name. My eyes immediately softened as the past came rushing back to meet me and looking into her eyes again gave me a mix of emotions that I didn't even know still existed. Sure I knew she would always have a place in my heart but I had been prepared to leave it tucked in a spot in my heart never to be brought up again. The pain I experienced with Kyra, while not quite the level of your mom or even possibly with Sorenson, was just as real and painful to me. She stole my heart when I was just "Rick Castle" the struggling artist and long before I became "Richard Castle", the bestselling author. She knew who I really was inside and what made me tick much like you do now. The last memory I have of us is dancing together under the clock and Grand Central station before she was to catch a flight out to London. Our relationship was complicated and we lost sight of what was really important to us at the time. When she said she needed her space, I gave it to her. I loved her deeply enough to let her go only wishing she would find whatever she was looking for in her life. Why I didn't follow her is one of the mysterious of the universe but after she left everything changed for me. My heart hardened to just about everyone, minus my mother and Alexis and I never gave myself that completely to another women again.

If I never gave my heart completely, why did I try and do the marriage thing, twice. I guess I am a hopeless romantic never giving up on trying to find my happy ending. Meredith came along and just whisked me away from everything. She was beautiful and we were going in the same direction that it just made sense to marry her. It was the right thing to do at the time as we made Alexis together. She wasn't the right fit for me though so it ended as fast and fiery as it started. My second wife was made out of the same mold as Meredith in our attraction to each other with a twist though. She wasn't as flighty as Meredith but not as grounded as I probably needed at that time in my life. My books were starting to take off and the partnership made sense. As I told Kyra though when you found us by the wedding cake, marrying either of them wasn't the right thing to do. After Gina, I gave up on ever finding something meaningful until you walked into my life.

As you can see, I am not afraid of commitment but rather I am afraid of opening myself up completely to someone again. My shadowing you was just a way to get to know you but what I didn't prepare for was how much you would be able to see through me. How much you would challenge me and call my bluff so to speak. During the poker games with your people and mine, we went toe to toe never backing down till the end. When we did back down, it was only to protect the pride of the other person. You called my bluff again during the case with Kyra yet you did it in a way that made me come to you. Despite what was going on with myself at the time, you made me want to tell you about my meeting on the rooftop. For some reason, I felt the need to tell you that it was only a kiss and nothing more. It was a softer approach but oh so effective. You called my bluff on more then my actions on that case and you continued to challenge me to the point that it hurt at times.

You also gave me a sliver of hope that I had met my match and found someone who could challenge me as much as I challenged them. A person who would reel me in when I needed it but wasn't afraid of my playful side either. Kyra was the person from my past that could do all these things. and much more. While I was not looking for it when we started working together, I slowly realized you were that person from my present and hopefully future. I made the mistake of letting Kyra go in the past. I am not going to make the same mistake twice. I am not going to run from this challenge and I am not going to let you run either.

The question I am left with now for you is how did Sorenson affect you? Was he the one that got away or was he the one that hurt you deeply? I remember you telling me you dated and I definitely walked in on you two kissing but there is more to that story isn't there?

Rick

He sealed the letter in the envelope and sent it to her for what hope would be the final letter from him. If he was lucky enough and broke down enough of her walls, maybe she would write back one final time before possibly meeting face to face. 


	6. Kate's Explanation

To Castle - aka 12 year old on a sugar rush, loving father who loves to pull my pigtails: 

Funny that you told me a Marthaism in your last letter as I can see Martha saying just that saying. It did make me smile but you knew it would. You seem to know me better then anyone and could see right through my tough exterior. I told you before you left that I know I am not the easiest person to get to know and it is time I explain why exactly.

The case with the Lost little Girl brought back a lot of memories for me. It brought me back to a time when I started to let someone in to my life but it also brought back memories of why it didn't work. When I started dating Will, I was at a point in my life where I felt ok to start opening up to people again. We started spending time together and it have me some relief from what I faced each day and night. He was sensible and controlled his emotions well. Will told me once while on a case together that "it is all about controlling the emotions, controlling the situation" and it is how we handled our time together as well. Sure we had our Sundays in the park and ice skating at Rockefeller Center but he never really pushed me past what I was willing to give of myself. He knew his boundaries and knew when I needed to lose myself in your books after a hard case or back off some when I stood in line to get one of your books signed. You can wipe that smirk off your face though as you will never know how long I waited or what exact book I got signed. If you play your cards right though maybe some day you will. Will was safe and easy for me. He gave me support and place to hide my emotions but I don't think I ever really loved him. At least I never loved him deeply enough for him to be by one and done. He didn't want the same things I wanted and did not seem to care as much about people's story as I did. This really sunk in when I picked up the little girl in my arms and softly reassured her that she would be ok. Glancing up and both of you, I saw a look of smug satisfaction in Will's face but one of fatherly love and care in your face. That kind of emotion is not something you can fake and it gave me something to put in the back of my mind to mull over. 

One question I am sure you are wanting to ask but not ask is what I was thinking when you caught Sorenson and I kissing. The problem is that I wasn't thinking really. I was reliving a past and remembering what it felt to have someone want me again. It didn't feel right though because if it did, I would not have justified it to you when you caught us.

When Will got transferred to Boston, I had a choice to make and I chose to stay in New York. New York is much more then a place to live and sleep to me. You see New York is my last connection I have to my mom and the memories I still have of the time with her. Had I let Will far enough into my heart, he would have realized this and understood but he didn't. I'm not sure he ever would really understand because I never understood this myself until after you told me what you found with my mom's murder. Never understood what my fears were with my mom's murder until you came along and pushed the limits of what I said I could handle. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about seeing my mom's body lying there cold on the ground. I am reminded about it every time I have to tell a victim's family about how there loved one died and it is what drives me every day to do the work I do. Somewhere in the process though of protecting myself and moving on, I forgot to live and have a life that she would have wanted me to live. 

No one, not Lanie, not Will, not the boys, no one would even try and crack the tough front I put up. Maybe I scared them or maybe I am a better actor than I though. Regardless I held everyone at arms reach, only letting them see glimpses of myself. Not you though, no you seem to come barging into my life unafraid of what you might find and not even running away when I tried to to stop you. Anyone else would given up but were as stubborn as I was and was not going to back down for anyone. I told Sorenson once that I found you interesting. Interesting would have been the understatement of the year and everyone around me knew it. It was just a matter of time before you broke down the rest of what I built over the years and I let you all the way into my life.

I can't get the saying out of my head that absence makes the heart grow fonder. My twist on it is absence also makes the heart grow colder. I know very cynical but oh so true in my life and is the way I lived my life until you turned it upside down. I may reel you in when you need it but you push me to have some fun and let loose when I need to the most. You keep my cynical side in check and inject some child like hope into my life. We balance each other out and for some unknown reason, when we are together we fire on all cylinders. I told Demming, when breaking up with him, this wasn't what I was looking for right now. When asked what I was looking for, all I could do was smile because my heart knew exactly what it needed. I just needed my mind to agree and the timing to be right.

We have built quite a history together Castle. One riddled with hurt, death, war, tragedies and love found but than lost again. Just remember the words you once quoted to me "You don't let go. You don't back down. That is what makes you extraordinary." I backed down once and tried to let go of what we were building together. I am not going to back down again. I'm all in. Are you?

Kate 

Kate sealed the letter in the envelope and sent it onto Castle's address thinking maybe enough walls were torn down, maybe enough was said in the letters between them to bring them together. Only time would tell who would daring enough to take that first step.


	7. Chapter 7

To my Extraordinary KB:

While these letters have allowed me to peel back some of that Beckett onion, they have me playing back random scenes in the time we have spent together. Almost like I am rereading sections of a book and seeing the characters in a new light.

"You have no idea." How could we know that these four small words would have such an impact on my world is beyond my comprehension even now. It gave me such a rush to know that you would not back down from myself pulling your pigtails and you could hold your own.

"Because you're tall." To an outsider that would have seemed like a silly statement to make to you at that moment yet it was exactly what you needed to hear. I somehow knew how to relax you and refocus your attention in hopes of bringing out the best in you. You have a hard job so I made it my job to make it more fun somehow.

"The heart wants what the heart wants." Such a poignant comment on so many levels for both of us. We knew we were not talking about the case but about what our own hearts were saying to us. The events after those spoken words put so much in motion. In a way it is a part of our own special past or maybe the promise of what is to come for us. 

"See you in the fall." A hail mary pass thrown from you to me. I caught it in more ways then one. It was what started me on these letters in the first place and what I hope will lead to a meeting of the minds before the game is over.

Rules are meant to be broken and boundaries are meant to be pushed. Pushing is what I do best with you. Wait, that sounded dirtier then I intended. What I would give to see your eye roll right now and the slight smile on your face. But alas we are in different places right now or are we?

They've got those burgers...and those shakes...open all night. 

Rick

Instead of putting it in the mail for Kate, Castle heads to the morgue to visit Lanie for a chat. By the time he gets there, chats and then leaves, the letter is in her hands to mail and sees a glint in Lanie's eyes. Rick shakes it off though as nothing but leaves with anticipation of what is to come.

_**Hope you like the latest installment. Sorry it is so late in being posted. Wanted to thank Tappin and Democratis for helping me "talk through" the concepts in this latest update.**_


	8. Chapter 8

To Castle - aka 12 year old on a sugar rush, loving father who loves to pull my pigtails: 

While these letters between us have torn down many walls, they also have had me up late at night mulling over random scenes in our short time together. Almost like I am replaying them in my head and seeing things in a new light. 

"It's too bad, it would've been great." A phrase given with a gleam in your eye and a smirk on your face. What possessed me to give it right back to you I will never know. What I do know is that it gave me a thrill, albeit if you ever tell anyone, I will have to shoot you.

"Because your tall." Such a silly comment made during a very serious situation. It was exactly what I needed at that moment though. It helped me relax and refocus my attention to the matter at hand. Thinking about it now, you brought out the best in me that day. I have a hard job and you somehow make it more fun.

"Because the heart wants what the heart wants." Such a poignant comment during a case that touched me on so many levels. We both knew we were not talking about the case but what our hearts were really saying to us. The events after those spoken words put so much in motion. I guess it is part of our own past with each other or possibly the promise of what is to come for us.

"See you in the fall." A hail mary pass thrown from me to you. It was thrown for more reasons then I let on that day. You seemed to understand though. I noticed that fact when I got that first letter and hope it leads to a meeting of the minds before the game is over.

Rules are meant to be bent and boundaries expanded upon. How far I am willing to bend those rules I will leave up to your overactive imagination. I really shouldn't encourage you yet seeing the smirk on your face would be priceless about now. Alas, the meeting of the minds will have to wait as we are in different places or are we? 

They've got those burgers...and those shakes...open all night.

Kate

Instead of putting it in the mail for Castle, Kate headed down to the morgue to chat with Lanie first for chat. By the end of night, the letter was in Lanie's hands to mail and Kate left thinking she saw a glint in Lanie's eyes. Kate shakes it off though as nothing but leaves with anticipation of what is to come.

_**Hope you like the latest installment. Sorry it is so late in being posted. Wanted to thank Tappin and Democratis for helping me "talk through" the concepts in this latest update. **_


	9. Lending an ear

_**Author's note: I do not own anything with the Castle show as this is written just for fun. This is also my first attempt at writing dialogue. Hope you all like it. **_

_**Keep in mind that the letters from the 2 previous chapters were given to Lanie and not mailed to each other when reading this chapter. Hope this makes more sense after you read it. **_

_**Wanted to thank TappinCastlefan for helping me talk through my ideas on this chapter and how it should be written. **_

Rick Castle had told no one, minus one person, he was back in New York City for the past several weeks. Being closer to all the action and her made it easier finish his latest book and focus his attention on more important matters of the heart, specifically his heart. Hitting send on his e-mail, he heads to the morgue to talk to Lanie.

Lanie had always had her "girl's" back but Castle was quickly becoming one of her "boys" over the course of their time together. It started with the way he would push Kate's buttons and not back down when she threatened him or gave her what everyone else would call a menacing look. She had caught the way he would look at Kate when no one was looking and had also seen the same look returned by Kate though she would never admit it. Castle seemed to have an innate ability to read not only Kate but Lanie herself and nothing proved this more then the Dick Coonan case. He picked up on something not being quite right and made sure he was by Kate's side when it all came down. Castle no doubt had Kate's back and would do anything to make sure she was happy, even if it meant walking away. 

Lanie sat in the morgue thinking about the quandary her two friends put themselves in. Castle and Kate were so cute together at times but stubborn enough to make a girl go crazy. After Castle walked away, w/ the ex wife no less, she was left to help put the puzzle pieces back together for not only the sake of Kate but for Castle as well. Lanie had seen the conflict of emotion in Castle's face the past several weeks but she also saw something that went much deeper. She saw the hurt in Castle's eyes when he thought he was losing the game when no one was looking. She noticed the way he would look at Kate with such care in his eyes but was kept well hidden behind his childish facade he put on to the rest of the team. Lanie knew better as she could read Castle as well as he could read her. The chemistry between both of them was undeniable but so was the fear they both had of getting hurt. The deep affection for each other was lost on no one, except themselves. Lanie knew she had to be there for both friends in a way that would benefit both of them and hopefully get them both to see the truth. It was this reason that Lanie sent a simple message to Castle stating "Boy, there is more to this story than you are letting on right now. I'll be here when you are ready to talk. " It took Castle most of the summer to come around but she finally got a message that said "I'm ready." and then a second one stating "I'll be by in a few to fill in the gaps."

Lanie knew Kate wanted to chat at some point judging by some off handed comment she made while in the morgue left about receiving letters over the summer and told her she wanted details. She also wanted a crack at talking to Castle by herself so she suggested Kate get her workout done before meeting her back at the morgue for some girl talk while she finished up a few things. Just as she started thinking about Castle's latest text message, in he walks with a cryptic grin on his face, some sort of paperwork and a neatly handled letter on top with the name Kate Beckett written in the bottom right.

"Hey." as Castle hands her the paperwork but holds back the letter in his hands. "Hey yourself" as she raised her eyebrows at him in question. Not being in the mood for small talk, "Start explaining." 

"What? No how are you? Nice to see you back. I'm hurt."

Lanie merely rolled her eyes and waited for what she knew what to come.

"This summer came down to bad timing and missed opportunities. Opportunities I am not going to let pass again and I don't think I am the only one. Kate mention any letter writing that may have gone on this summer by chance?"

"No but she hasn't shared much with anyone these past few months. Why? What did you do? Nothing stupid I trust" shaking her head.

"Now would I do anything stupid? Don't answer that as I don't want to know. I may have sent her a letter as my own version of a hail mary pass of my own. I assume Kate told you about her own pass?"

"She did but did not go into much beyond surface details. Knowing Kate, I chose not to push and gave her the space she needed. Much like I did with you."

"Well, to my surprise and much delight, she wrote me back. We have a long ways to go but through our letters these past weeks, we have managed to start to heal some of the hurt we caused each other. I guess you could call it a work in progress with the hopes of a happy ending."

After looking Castle in the eye for a moment, Lanie smiles "It's about damn time! Who says romance is dead. So what do you need me for?"

Smiling that charming grin of his, Castle explains "You see she doesn't know that I have been back at the Loft for the past several weeks so I can't exactly mail what I am hoping will be the last letter to her for obvious reasons. You know Kate. She will notice the postmark." 

Letting the fact that he had been back in the city without telling anyone go for the moment, Lanie replies "I see. I got your back Castle. Give me the letter and let me take care of the rest."

Knowing Lanie had never done him wrong in the past, Castle hands over the letter and decides he needs to head back to the loft. Just before leaving though, he hands the other papers in his hands and says "Take a look at this when you get the chance and let me know your thoughts. I would appreciate it. "

Castle had just made his exit out of the building when Lanie looks up and sees Kate walk in looking like she was getting ready to work out. What Lanie noticed more than the outfit was what Kate was carrying in her hand, a letter. Keeping her poker face well in place and looking up "Hey girl. I thought you were going to work out first?"

"I thought I would come down here first, besides I thought you wanted to know the details and I am ready to talk."

"Right... The letter so spill it girl. I don't have all day. " Lanie said with a slight smirk on her face thinking this ought to be good.

"Castle threw out his own hail mary of his own in true Castle form, a letter. After reading it, I surprised even myself and wrote one back to him. We have a long ways to go but the letters were a start to healing some of the hurt we caused each other. You could say it is a work in progress with the ultimate objective being a happy ending." All said very quickly and unlike Kate.

"Ok, sounds like you are well on your way to finding more solid ground with each other but I know you Kate. What's holding you back?"

A look of surprised and then resignation crossed Kate's face and she thinking she might as well lay it out on the table. "This summer was about bad timing and missed opportunities. I don't want to miss another one. I don't want to lose this one and I don't think I am the only one thinking this way."

"Girl, you know I will have your back. What are you thinking of doing? How can I help?"

Looking down at the letter in her hand and contemplating her next move, Kate casually states "Mailing this letter for me would be a start. I really need to get a workout in but also want to get this to Castle and I ran out of stamps. Think you can handle that?"

Lanie knowing that this was too good of an opportunity to pass up, she casually says "Sure. I think I can handle mailing a letter. Question is, can you handle what may come of it? Something to think about while working out. "

Kate rolls her eyes as a smirk comes across her face. "Thanks Lanie!" she calls out as she heads toward the gym.

Lanie took a few to think about the opportunity given to her by both Castle and Kate. Lanie knew she had to act fast as timing had to be in sync for this to work out the way she wanted. Taking both letters in her hand, she heads to the coffee machine in the break room. Figuring Kate would be almost done with her workout, she fills a cup of coffee and puts it on Kate's desk with the letter from Castle and then heads over to Castle's place. On the way over, she glances over at the papers Castle wanted her to read. It was good, very good but not as good as what may come of the letter in her own hand. As Castle answers his door, she hands the papers to him telling him she read it and was impressed. Almost as an after thought she hands Castle a letter saying she found it with his name written on it. Smiling every so slightly, she makes her way out the door.

Kate walks to her desk to find, to her surprise, a cup of coffee sitting there still warm and a letter underneath. Opening it up, she starts to read.

Castle watches Lanie leave fairly quickly and looks down at what was just handed to him. Opening it up, he starts to read.


	10. The meeting

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's note: This finishes out this story. I hope you enjoyed it. There will probably be a sequel of some sort but nothing definitive yet. **

Putting thoughts of Lanie's comments about the paperwork that was handed back to him aside, Castle sits down and starts to read. The letter is shorter then the other ones but almost seems more intimate. No more major revelations but more like the reliving of moments in time. The echoing of thoughts he had just put in to words himself was oddly comforting to read. They seem to finally be getting back into sync with each other. Thinking back to a line he wrote in his own letter to her, "we are in different places right now or are we?", a smile crept onto his face. If her head was in the game, she should catch the full meaning of it and know this was no coincidence as their are no coincidences in life. Everything always has a story and this would be the start of a new chapter for them. 

Coming back to her desk after a hard workout to clear her head, Kate notices the cup of coffee and the letter underneath. Sitting down in the now empty bullpen, she starts to read. Noticing it is shorter than the previous letters yet not lacking the substance of a typical Castle letter, it seems almost more personal, intimate really. The similarities of the letters were not lost on her and she found it oddly comforting to read. Walls were coming down, the onion was being peeled back and they seem finally be getting back into sync with each other. Scanning the letter again a statement seemed to be sticking out to her, _"we are in different places right now or are we? " _which echoed a similar statement she made to him in her letter. Kate let her mind wander for a moment to the gravity of the statement and kept coming back to the thought of _"Could he be back in the city?" _This could not be a coincidence as a good friend once reminded her that there are no coincidences. Leaning back in her chair and glancing at the empty chair beside her desk, she smiles and pulls out her phone taking a chance on what her heart was telling her, texting _ "Remy's open all night. They've got those burgers and those shakes. You game?"_

At the same time Kate is texting Castle. he pulls out his phone and decides to take a chance on what his own heart was telling him, texting "_Remy's open all night. They've got those burgers and those shakes. You game?"_

_"Sure, why not. I'm in but what are we playing for?" _Kate texts back to Castle with a smirk on her face.

_"Pride or clothing.." _Castle responds, laughing on his way out the door and remembering the one on one poker game what seems like a life time ago.

_"I think I have a bag of gummie bears." _Kate responds, laughing on her way out the door remembering the one on one poker game she had with Castle.

Seeing Remy's diner brought back memories to Kate. She had forgotten how much this place meant to her and the history it represented. The sight of their first unofficial date and the place where her and Castle would go after rapping up the many cases they worked on together. The casual atmosphere seemed to bring a level of familiarity and comfort to what was already a very complicated relationship. No demands, no expectations were ever given except the enjoyment of the burgers and shakes and the splitting of the occasional batch of fries between two close friends. It was their "place" if you will and a place where hopefully a new chapter of their relationship would begin.

Walking into the diner, Kate's eyes immediately scan over to the booth shared by her and Castle over time and she hears her breath catch slightly. She sees Castle already sitting there looking much the same as he did at the beginning of the summer but something seems slightly different. As she catches his eyes on her way over to the booth, she can't help but hold his gaze. She missed the smile that shows in his eyes and the hint of trouble that seems to follow him. More than anything, she missed him and whatever the future held for them she knew they could figure out together.

Castle made it to the diner first and was relieved to find "their" booth open. As he made his way to the booth, he took in the atmosphere and couldn't help but smile. This was their place. The site of their first unofficial date, the many nights decompressing after a long case and just being with each other as friends. No demands, no expectations, nothing but the enjoyment of each other without the prying eyes of the precinct. His breath catches ever so slightly as he looks up and sees Kate walk in the door. Her hair was longer but she seemed to have a spring in her step now. Catching her eyes, he holds her gaze and sees the hurt but also a hint of contentment and happiness. He missed her and knew in that moment that whatever the future held for them that they would figure it out together.

"Hi" they both say with some hesitancy. 

"I ordered a strawberry shake for you and your usual burger. Hope you don't mind but I took a chance that your tastes haven't changed that much over the summer." Castle hoped he wasn't being too forward and relaxed some when he saw the smile on her face.

"Thanks. Taking quite a risk ordering for me though. What, you think you know me or something?"

"What can I say, I am a risk taker." As he pulls a deck of cards out of his pocket and puts them on the table, " I brought the cards if you are game. Figure no holds bar game. Man on women, wait that didn't come out exactly as I wanted. "

Chucking despite herself, "Well I don't take too many risks but may be able to make an exception, just this once." Setting the bag of gummie bears on the table. "Oh I'm game. Be prepared to get your ass kicked or will you like that too much?" raising her eyebrows at him.

Not backing down from a challenge and enjoying the banter, "Oh, you're gonna hurt or will you like that too much yourself?" Wiggling his eyebrows at her in amusement.

Both laughing at this point and thinking an outside observer would think they were crazy but this was them.

Looking deep into Kate's eyes, Castle ventures to say " I missed this. I missed you. Thanks for writing me back and taking that step with me. "

Looking back into Castle's eyes, Kate replied "Me too. I missed you as well. I wasn't going to back down from a challenge and that step was the first of many I'm sure."

"Why don't we start with some good food, some good company and see where it goes from there?"

"So stop stalling and deal Castle unless you are afraid to go all in?" daring him with a smirk on her face and a glint in her eyes.

"Oh, I'm never afraid of a little action. All in." daring her right back and their faces just inches from each other.

Their food now at their table, Castle starts to deal the cards and they settle in for what will probably be the start of many games.

__

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End file.
